More Great Jobs to Have for One Day
December 31, 2000
Fashion Consultant at Nordstroms – It's the whole how much credibility will someone give you just because it's in your job title. "Well, your tag says Fashion Consultant, so if you say I'm looking good in these lime pants with this maroon jacket and the feather boa... I just didn't know guys were wearing boas this season. This is possibly...
Fashion Consultant at Nordstroms – It's the whole how much credibility will someone give you just because it's in your job title. "Well, your tag says Fashion Consultant, so if you say I'm looking good in these lime pants with this maroon jacket and the feather boa... I just didn't know guys were wearing boas this season. This is possibly...
Good Jobs to Have for One Day
December 30, 2000
Pope – You know any list of jobs to have for a single day has to start with the Pope. A good papal day would start with a very funny joke about kicking off another series of Crusades. You'd wait till they had started gathering the zealots before calling it off. And the Bulls you would write! Oh, the Bulls!...
Pope – You know any list of jobs to have for a single day has to start with the Pope. A good papal day would start with a very funny joke about kicking off another series of Crusades. You'd wait till they had started gathering the zealots before calling it off. And the Bulls you would write! Oh, the Bulls!...
Cellular Opportunities
December 29, 2000
There are whole aspects of this Modern Technology thing that are just beginning to sink in. I know I'm slow. I apologize for it. It just occurred to me that my cell phone plan has 700 minutes included every month. That's almost twelve hours before I even have to start thinking about airtime charges. And here I am, still only...
There are whole aspects of this Modern Technology thing that are just beginning to sink in. I know I'm slow. I apologize for it. It just occurred to me that my cell phone plan has 700 minutes included every month. That's almost twelve hours before I even have to start thinking about airtime charges. And here I am, still only...
You Knew It Was True (#17)
December 28, 2000
In this, the seventeenth in our continuing series of investigative reports, our team brings transparency to the pickup buying market in order to illuminate the dangers to those of you who drive sedans and compacts. Secrets older and more dangerous than those of the Masons were unearthed and will be exposed in tonight's shocking exposé. Knowledge so deadly that three...
In this, the seventeenth in our continuing series of investigative reports, our team brings transparency to the pickup buying market in order to illuminate the dangers to those of you who drive sedans and compacts. Secrets older and more dangerous than those of the Masons were unearthed and will be exposed in tonight's shocking exposé. Knowledge so deadly that three...
Classic Conundrum
December 27, 2000
Okay, I had this whole not-very-witty but plenty ponderous and boring bit written up for today, and then (honest to God, this is one of the three times in my life this excuse has been true) Word crashed and I hadn't saved it (about three minutes after thinking, "should I save this? Nyahh, I'm just going to cut/paste it into...
Okay, I had this whole not-very-witty but plenty ponderous and boring bit written up for today, and then (honest to God, this is one of the three times in my life this excuse has been true) Word crashed and I hadn't saved it (about three minutes after thinking, "should I save this? Nyahh, I'm just going to cut/paste it into...
Merry Christmas
December 25, 2000
Merry Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadan. Sorry for the late or early timing on the holiday wishes if you weren't raised as a Christ-boy like me. I hope your holiday includes (included) at least one moment where you are sitting with a group of family or friends that you love, and you look around and know, "these are my people."...
Merry Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadan. Sorry for the late or early timing on the holiday wishes if you weren't raised as a Christ-boy like me. I hope your holiday includes (included) at least one moment where you are sitting with a group of family or friends that you love, and you look around and know, "these are my people."...
The Harbor Was His Home (II)
December 24, 2000
part 2 of 2 (part 1) It's hard to fight with someone who is never around. It's hard to kiss and make up with someone who is never around. But mostly, it's hard to really get to know someone who's never around. But when we did happen to be together, it was great. She was truly into me, when I'd...
part 2 of 2 (part 1) It's hard to fight with someone who is never around. It's hard to kiss and make up with someone who is never around. But mostly, it's hard to really get to know someone who's never around. But when we did happen to be together, it was great. She was truly into me, when I'd...
The Harbor Was His Home
December 23, 2000
part 1 of 2 (part 2) "01/15/98 I have Bear [the dog]! Going out for a walk. Back later! -Brandy" In the year we went out, my dog probably saw more of Brandy than I did. Last week, I was scrounging through the kitchen drawers for some paper to make Christmas lists on, and I ran across our old notebook....
part 1 of 2 (part 2) "01/15/98 I have Bear [the dog]! Going out for a walk. Back later! -Brandy" In the year we went out, my dog probably saw more of Brandy than I did. Last week, I was scrounging through the kitchen drawers for some paper to make Christmas lists on, and I ran across our old notebook....
In Utopia, Everyone Rides a Bus
December 22, 2000
A~ didn't like riding the bus. When she was forced into it for a short period, she reported: "The stinky people get to me, and the crazy people love to talk to females. And it's slow. So, stinkiness, crazy people who talk to me and the slowness. But $130 a month for parking is a lot of money!!!" It took...
A~ didn't like riding the bus. When she was forced into it for a short period, she reported: "The stinky people get to me, and the crazy people love to talk to females. And it's slow. So, stinkiness, crazy people who talk to me and the slowness. But $130 a month for parking is a lot of money!!!" It took...
The Great Shoe Challenge
December 21, 2000
Okay. You've got to get in on this. Do it now! Even if we've never met! ----Original Message----From: Scott McJannet Sent: Wednesday, December 20, 2000 2:27 PMTo: CrapSubject: The Great Shoe Challenge Hello, my name is Scott McJannet. No doubt you've seen me walking around the office [or wherever you see me walking around, streets, fencing, tutoring, dreams, whatever], and...
Okay. You've got to get in on this. Do it now! Even if we've never met! ----Original Message----From: Scott McJannet Sent: Wednesday, December 20, 2000 2:27 PMTo: CrapSubject: The Great Shoe Challenge Hello, my name is Scott McJannet. No doubt you've seen me walking around the office [or wherever you see me walking around, streets, fencing, tutoring, dreams, whatever], and...
Pesky Compressed Time
December 20, 2000
Here's a completely un-profound thought: time flies faster and faster as we age. It appears to be a universal truth. You want a rise out of anyone, just comment on how quickly time goes by versus how slowly it did when you were younger. Boom! Instant camaraderie. I just lost about fifteen minutes staring at the fireplace as the fire...
Here's a completely un-profound thought: time flies faster and faster as we age. It appears to be a universal truth. You want a rise out of anyone, just comment on how quickly time goes by versus how slowly it did when you were younger. Boom! Instant camaraderie. I just lost about fifteen minutes staring at the fireplace as the fire...
Requiem for Dinner
December 19, 2000
[Services were held at the St. Thomas Church on October 22nd at 5:30pm. Transcript courtesy of The Daily Monitor.] Ladies and Gentlemen, I am glad you were able to attend today. It would have warmed dinner's heart to see so many of you here. Oh. My apologies. Warmed was a bad choice of words. I didn't mean... I mean, I'm...
[Services were held at the St. Thomas Church on October 22nd at 5:30pm. Transcript courtesy of The Daily Monitor.] Ladies and Gentlemen, I am glad you were able to attend today. It would have warmed dinner's heart to see so many of you here. Oh. My apologies. Warmed was a bad choice of words. I didn't mean... I mean, I'm...
Unfiltered Empathy
December 18, 2000
Gather around, children, it's story time! That's right, get in the circle. Don't forget your juice. Yes, it's okay if you want to lie down and hear the story. Yes, we're going to take our nap after the story. Just like we do everyday. Okay, is everyone comfortable? Good. First off, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's story. No one...
Gather around, children, it's story time! That's right, get in the circle. Don't forget your juice. Yes, it's okay if you want to lie down and hear the story. Yes, we're going to take our nap after the story. Just like we do everyday. Okay, is everyone comfortable? Good. First off, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's story. No one...
Things to Hate Today
December 17, 2000
Things for you to hate that you probably haven't gotten around to today: Forgetting you need gas until you're already late for something. Bunnies. People who play with the sugar packets all through the meal. Putting your pants through the wash with paper in them with a phone number you wanted. Or with cash and paper...
Things for you to hate that you probably haven't gotten around to today: Forgetting you need gas until you're already late for something. Bunnies. People who play with the sugar packets all through the meal. Putting your pants through the wash with paper in them with a phone number you wanted. Or with cash and paper...
No One Appreciates My Finer Moments
December 16, 2000
No one appreciates my finer moments. Remember in the epic mega saga where we were talking about those moments of internal hilarity that don't get translated to the outside world? That happens all the time. Sometimes, though, I am convinced it's the outside world's fault for not recognizing true comedy genius when it sees it. A few days back, I...
No one appreciates my finer moments. Remember in the epic mega saga where we were talking about those moments of internal hilarity that don't get translated to the outside world? That happens all the time. Sometimes, though, I am convinced it's the outside world's fault for not recognizing true comedy genius when it sees it. A few days back, I...
Wednesday Quiz: What Did You Get Your Mom For Christmas?
December 15, 2000
This week's Wednesday quiz asked, "what did you get your Mom for Christmas?" And it reflects, I believe, a high water mark in insensitivity for me. Look at all the assumptions in that paragraph! A) You have enough money to get your Mom something for Christmas. B) You have a Mom to get something for Christmas for. C) You celebrate...
This week's Wednesday quiz asked, "what did you get your Mom for Christmas?" And it reflects, I believe, a high water mark in insensitivity for me. Look at all the assumptions in that paragraph! A) You have enough money to get your Mom something for Christmas. B) You have a Mom to get something for Christmas for. C) You celebrate...
Science Sheds Light on Eternal Questions
December 14, 2000
1. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? With the effective completion of the Interstate Highway System in 1977, as mandated when President Eisenhower signed the Federal Highway Act of 1956, all roads in the United States are now linked in a vast interconnected network which allows a new and unlimited degree of...
1. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? With the effective completion of the Interstate Highway System in 1977, as mandated when President Eisenhower signed the Federal Highway Act of 1956, all roads in the United States are now linked in a vast interconnected network which allows a new and unlimited degree of...
Silver Weasels
December 13, 2000
(jump to the Wednesday Quiz) Geez, I don't know. It's a different world from when I grew up. When I was growing up, when we liked our dinner, we would say, "mmm! Maybe that wasn't tasty!" And if we were happy to see you, we would say, "Hey! Maybe you're not a sight for sore eyes!" Now that was irony!...
(jump to the Wednesday Quiz) Geez, I don't know. It's a different world from when I grew up. When I was growing up, when we liked our dinner, we would say, "mmm! Maybe that wasn't tasty!" And if we were happy to see you, we would say, "Hey! Maybe you're not a sight for sore eyes!" Now that was irony!...
Easy Pickings
December 12, 2000
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving in my car with T~, an old lover of mine. As I was about to turn left to pull into her driveway, I looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed that one of my front top teeth was missing. I rolled my tongue over it, and sure enough,...
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving in my car with T~, an old lover of mine. As I was about to turn left to pull into her driveway, I looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed that one of my front top teeth was missing. I rolled my tongue over it, and sure enough,...
Pure, Unadulterated Consumerism
December 11, 2000
I'm all excited. I think it will be difficult to fall asleep tonight. I've got that Christmas sort of feeling, like when you're a kid, and you know that at some magic point during the night the tree that only had two or three presents under it will suddenly be filled to overflowing with dozens of gifts for you to...
I'm all excited. I think it will be difficult to fall asleep tonight. I've got that Christmas sort of feeling, like when you're a kid, and you know that at some magic point during the night the tree that only had two or three presents under it will suddenly be filled to overflowing with dozens of gifts for you to...
Wednesday Quiz: What Job Would You Want?
December 10, 2000
This week's Wednesday quiz asked, "if you could step into any job in the world (not Universe, you're not allowed to choose God as your job), what would it be?" Assume you can start your desired job with no experience, requisite knowledge, or even necessary skills — this theoretical job will wait with you for up to the first twelve...
This week's Wednesday quiz asked, "if you could step into any job in the world (not Universe, you're not allowed to choose God as your job), what would it be?" Assume you can start your desired job with no experience, requisite knowledge, or even necessary skills — this theoretical job will wait with you for up to the first twelve...
The Epic Mega-Saga (III)
December 09, 2000
Part 3 of 3 (NB) (part 1 part 2) Part III – The pile of dirt was enormous. And now my dear friend and gentle reader, we come to the really macabre part of the tale. It is 11pm, Spencer and I are in Kelly's back yard, the small illumination provided by the 60 watt bulb in the porch light, thirty feet...
Part 3 of 3 (NB) (part 1 part 2) Part III – The pile of dirt was enormous. And now my dear friend and gentle reader, we come to the really macabre part of the tale. It is 11pm, Spencer and I are in Kelly's back yard, the small illumination provided by the 60 watt bulb in the porch light, thirty feet...
The Epic Mega-Saga (II)
December 08, 2000
Part 2 of 3 (NB) (part 1 part 3) Part II – Worlds of room to spare. I walk into Kelly's house. Kelly is crying. Tears are flowing down her face, she is so distraught by the death of her cat. Her son, Spencer is standing there, somewhat uncomfortably. Is he crying? Is he just weirded out that the neighbor has been...
Part 2 of 3 (NB) (part 1 part 3) Part II – Worlds of room to spare. I walk into Kelly's house. Kelly is crying. Tears are flowing down her face, she is so distraught by the death of her cat. Her son, Spencer is standing there, somewhat uncomfortably. Is he crying? Is he just weirded out that the neighbor has been...
The Epic Mega-Saga
December 07, 2000
Part 1 of 3 (NB) (part 2 part 3) It's 11pm. It is freezing cold outside. That is where I am. Outside in the cold. My hands are sending me angry little missives to inform me that blisters are about ten minutes away. I am digging a square pit two-and-a-half feet by two-and-a-half feet by two-and-a-half feet deep. To bury my neighbor's...
Part 1 of 3 (NB) (part 2 part 3) It's 11pm. It is freezing cold outside. That is where I am. Outside in the cold. My hands are sending me angry little missives to inform me that blisters are about ten minutes away. I am digging a square pit two-and-a-half feet by two-and-a-half feet by two-and-a-half feet deep. To bury my neighbor's...
The Relentless Pursuit of Mediocrity
December 06, 2000
I am not nearly as good a pool player as you might expect from a guy who has had a table in his house this past year. Oh yes, the room looks all nice and professional. Beautiful table, rack of cues on the wall, music, chairs, the whole nine yards. A pool cue that has a name and is worshipped...
I am not nearly as good a pool player as you might expect from a guy who has had a table in his house this past year. Oh yes, the room looks all nice and professional. Beautiful table, rack of cues on the wall, music, chairs, the whole nine yards. A pool cue that has a name and is worshipped...
TALES OF IRRITATING SUPERPOWERS!
December 05, 2000
[cue Peaceful wake-up, morning, sunrise music.] NARRATOR: It's morning in Anytown, U.S.A. [Exterior shot. Accelerated sunrise over farmland, over city skyline, over suburbia.] [Interior shot, dark room. Alarm clock rolls over to from 6:29 to 6:30 a.m. A digital alarm clock, thank you, not one of the crappy flip clocks that haven't been sold since the 50's but that movies...
[cue Peaceful wake-up, morning, sunrise music.] NARRATOR: It's morning in Anytown, U.S.A. [Exterior shot. Accelerated sunrise over farmland, over city skyline, over suburbia.] [Interior shot, dark room. Alarm clock rolls over to from 6:29 to 6:30 a.m. A digital alarm clock, thank you, not one of the crappy flip clocks that haven't been sold since the 50's but that movies...
Billiards for Clarity
December 04, 2000
"Yeah. Something's on my mind. I'm a little agitated. Annoyed. And jumpy as heck. I find that I am tensing and making fists at the slightest noise. Anyway, there is some thought lurking in the back of my head, I don't know what it is yet. Irking me without me being able to verbalize it. So I thought I'd take...
"Yeah. Something's on my mind. I'm a little agitated. Annoyed. And jumpy as heck. I find that I am tensing and making fists at the slightest noise. Anyway, there is some thought lurking in the back of my head, I don't know what it is yet. Irking me without me being able to verbalize it. So I thought I'd take...
Beauty and the Beast
December 03, 2000
Beauty and the Beast
December 02, 2000
Part 1 of 2 (part 2) Today, a new code is introduced. Historically, you may have seen items on this Web site asserting that they came as junk mail, or a transcript of a TV show, and so on, and you may have viewed the claim with a certain skepticism. And rightly so. They declared they were real, but they were...
Part 1 of 2 (part 2) Today, a new code is introduced. Historically, you may have seen items on this Web site asserting that they came as junk mail, or a transcript of a TV show, and so on, and you may have viewed the claim with a certain skepticism. And rightly so. They declared they were real, but they were...
Wednesday Quiz: What's the Best Toy You Got This Year?
December 01, 2000
There just are not words for how surprised I was by this week's quiz. Every expectation I had was confounded. Who would have thought that asking people what the best toy that they received in 2000 was would be a harder question than asking them what defined their personality? In addition to fewer meaningful responses, I also got a lot...
There just are not words for how surprised I was by this week's quiz. Every expectation I had was confounded. Who would have thought that asking people what the best toy that they received in 2000 was would be a harder question than asking them what defined their personality? In addition to fewer meaningful responses, I also got a lot...