Handy! |
The heck with "Batman vs. Superman"
stuff. If you could be any video game hero you
wanted to, who would you be? Important to think
about is that you will be living in the real
world with your super-self, not in the video
game's world. So no magic rings to collect or
looping ramps in the landscape, no Metroid
powerups subtly hidden in the middle of the
room, no magic pills to make you invulnerable or
ghosts to eat when you are. Also, maybe you
don't care so much in real life about certain
classes of superhero powers as you would in the
video game world. So you have the amazing
ability to spit fireballs. How often is that
going to come in handy in real life? You can
start your gas grill if the ignition button
gives out, or whip up a campfire in no time
flat, or impress your date by blazing up a
romantic fire in the fireplace, but that is
about it. Or if you have amazing firepower and
thirty kinds of guns, ala Half Life. Who cares?
Who are you going to waste in real life?
Possibly you could rent yourself out as a
mercenary, but is that really the life you want
to lead? Are you going to trade your comfortable
consumerist life in the US for crawling around
in the woods in a 3rd world country? So. Any
franchise, any platform, any game. Who you wanna
be?
I think the most
important thing here is that everyone
acknowledges that no matter how cool the Mario
franchise is, no way would you ever want to be
Mario. He's just a lame midget in bright
overalls. Sure, great jumping powers; able to
jump 100% his height, but that still only takes
him up to like, five feet. What use is that? And
let's even say, hypothetically, that you can
start life in the world with your tallness and
fireball mushrooms already in place. The first
time you stub your toe, you're going to shrink
to half your size and lose your fireballs, and
then what do you have? Nothing, and no matter
how many brick walls or overhangs you bash your
head against, no mushrooms will fall down for
you to chase and get tall again. Mario is just a
losing proposition. You definitely want a video
game hero who starts with a cool and useful base
state. You ask me, I am thinking Joust is a
pretty good game. Who could not find a thousand
and one uses for a flying ostrich?
The chief reason you don't want to be Mario
is simply that he doesn't ever get the girl.
Princess Peach just toys with him. He's always
saving her from Bowser, always rescuing
her...well, I say "FUCK THAT." I think I'd
rather be fucking Luigi. Wow, that last line was
really pithy from a Freudian perspective.
Gambit, from the
X-Men. No question. The man can pick up
anything, throw it, and it explodes. But that's
not the real point. He's swarthy and mysterious
and sexy, and he always always *always* gets
laid.
Anybody? Hmm. I guess I could always be
Thessaly, or maybe Jakita Wagner. Because, you
know, I always wanted to kick ass and take
names. In fabulous boots, of course.
I wouldn't mind
being all the frogs in Frogger. Not really
super-hero-ish, but some of them survive, and
that's good enough. M~
hmmm....
tough call...most superhero powers don't really do a lot of good in the "real" world, as we insist on calling it. I'd be best off as Trinity from the Matrix. :)
except i'd be constantly wanting to date myself.
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