If aliens were going to take over the Earth and cook us all for dinner, ala the To Serve Man episode from the Twilight Zone, they would have some work to do first.

No doubt they are looking down on us from their secret base on the far side of the moon, and are appalled by the rising obesity of America. When they first checked us out in the 1950?s, we seemed like such a good, solid, meaty race (and all the men wore hats). They reported home, funds were allocated, construction permits granted, and the moon base built to stage the rockets from was built.

But now that they are ready to finally sweep down with the promises of world peace and prosperity and generous offers to visit their home planet , they find that their lean-but-broad-shouldered stock has gone all gross and fatty on them. A sample dinner from a tourist snatched out of Disney Orlando proved an almost inedible meal, with those disgusting piles of fat carvings left on the sides of everyone?s plates.

And while yes, they are planning on ranching the entirety of the planet over the decades to come, they are not so foolish as to believe that America does not matter. Just look at Japan ? when the aliens first moved in, Japan hated America and had just finished a very nasty bit of a war. Now, they cannot adopt Americanisms fast enough.

Once the aliens visit the gifts of wealth and plenty on the planet, everyone is going to naturally race to achieve whatever the dominant model of prosperity is ? and at the moment, that model is fat, gluttonous Americans.

So, as an alien faced with this problem, what would you do?

The problem is clearly how to get your population more meaty and less fatty. The answer: gyms. As aliens, you would buy up all the gyms. You would start men?s bodybuilding magazines (and we were flipping through a couple on Sunday morning, and let me tell you, the content could only have been written by aliens).

You would promote in film and on television the best heads of cattle. Van Damme should have been a total giveaway. He sure cannot act. The only reason he would be up there is to make us believe that is a great way to look. And really, who can look at Arnold Schwarzenegger without seeing dotted butcher?s lines all over him marking out the different cuts of meat?

And now Arnold is running a political campaign as a possible springboard to office? It has got to be aliens.

So that takes care of your standard cuts, right? But then you have your health-conscious alien who wants the super-lean 99% fat free meat. Tada! Ally McBeal and supermodels and beauty contests! All rigged by aliens.

And we are buying into it. We are not ashamed at all to admit that we waste enormous amounts of energy in a zero-sum game at the gym every morning. We are embarrassed for being overweight, I Want to Be a Supermodel is one of the funniest songs ever written, and airlines are pressuring fat passengers to pay for two seats.

Sure, maybe we are getting fatter in America, and maybe that is a bad thing. But is it right for a bunch of selfish aliens who do not even pay taxes to be telling us what to do? Especially since all they want to do is eat us?