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Aries Lottery Winners
Your fabulous
wealth will allow you to buy vicious dogs to fend yourself from the needling
requests of friends and relatives. You'll live to be a hundred and your wealth
will never give out, your only dying regret will be that you could have spent
more, indulging yourself to a greater degree.
Taurus Personal Injury Attorneys
After winning a
multi-million dollar suit for your firm against a supermarket chain on spurious
claims of a neck injury caused by a shopping cart collision on aisle three, the
stars decree that you will find true and lasting love.
Gemini Buddas
The contentious position of Mars suggests
that your deep and lasting inner peace this week will be shot all to heck by...
ah, nevermind. No it won't. You still got it, baby.
Cancer Dictators of Small Countries
Your harem of willing
women who believe that a child born from your seed will inherit godlike powers
and abilities will prove but small comfort after the transcription of a
blistering verbal reprisal from President of the United States is delivered to
your desk. Small, but completely adequate comfort.
Leo Toy Store Product Testers
After a short burst of
pedantic formality early in the week talking about age vectors and projected
gender appeal in the holiday season, you will realize anew that you are being
paid to play with toys well into your adult years. You will crash a wedding
reception just to brag about your job. You will also get a raise.
Virgo Popes
You will let women be priests. You will let
priests marry. You will let women be priests. You will let priests marry. You
will let women be priests. You will let priests marry. You will let women be
priests. You will let priests marry.
Libra Oil Magnates
You will continue to be haunted this
week by the thought that if, perhaps, you had just been a slightly less
successful oil man and multimillionaire, you could have been President.
Scorpio Rock Idols
As your drug habits seem to be getting
out of control, threatening to reduce you to a bankrupt shambles, take heart!
Your new record will go double-platinum, allowing you to cancel your
reservations to Betty Ford and embark on a path of debauchery not seen since the
height of the Roman empire.
Sagittarius Plumbers
Your eldest graduates college this
week. In a flash of goodwill you may contemplate reducing your rates. But then
you'll remember your lifelong dream of owning a third sailboat.
Capricorn Basketball Stars
Though you think you would be
tired of it by now, you will experience the flush of pleasure anew at looking
down your nose and the two feet of intervening space, at the snooty maitre'd.
Your custom Porsche will arrive this week.
Aquarius Cats
Yes! Good kitty! Have some more food! No,
no, that's okay, you don't have to let me pet you if you don't want. Good kitty!
Look, I got a new couch! Feel free to scratch on it this afternoon while I'm at
work if your little pawsies need some exercise. Oh, you're just so pretty! Have
a treat!
Pisces Copilots
Even though we have no idea what you do,
you will continue to draw a regular pilot's pay. It's not like I'm saying "could
you help me step on the gas pedal, here, Bob?" or "she's a little sluggish,
let's both push to the left on the steering column on three." And whenever I do
ask you to cover anything, you just say, "Sorry, Frank, not in my job
description." But I suppose that I could keel over dead or something, and you'd
have to take over.
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