The Territorial Adult

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Courtesy of my friend, J~. She writes:

---- Original Message ----
From: "J~"
To: Scott McJ
Sent: Sunday, January 14, 2001 1:02 AM
Subject: The amazing shrinking world

So I think I'm going backwards in life instead of forwards...is our scope supposed to expand as we get older? On all fronts, but more specifically for this case, actual miles.

When I lived up in Bothell and "the city" was 25 miles away, the 30 mile jaunt from point A to point B was not a big deal. You couldn't go anywhere or do anything without getting on a freeway...the mall-head to Alderwood, Woodinville for Molbaks and books and friends, Bellevue, highbrow or dancing stuff...head downtown.

Get to the college age...I expand again...now the jaunts are on average 60+ miles...from Tacoma to Bothell, or T-town to Ellensburg (178 miles) did it on a regular basis...not a biggie. NOW, now I live in Seattle, work 5 miles from where I live, and until recently had a goodly number of friends living in the immediate area. My world has shrunk.

I love never touching the freeway...how few miles can I put on my car in a given week. When A~ lived up the street, R~ in Capitol Hill, S~ downtown and and and I had it all at my fingertips.

Now, I find 30 miles, getting on the freeway and dealing with traffic to get to a friend's a MAJOR pain. One should not have to deal with traffic on the weekend. All this was going through my head tonight as I sauntered on down to J~ and N~'s (Auburn, 32.3 miles...64.6 miles round trip 64 MILES!!! I don't drive that much the whole week combined).....

We had a blast when I got there and I totally love being with them...but man! I am turning into a proximity girl...the closer you are to me, the better friend I will be...-if- you count friendship by the amount of face to face time.

You must REALLY be enjoying your friendship with A~ to have driven (multiple times) down to Olympia to spend the afternoon with her. Olympia...insane. Good thing she's closer to you now.

-J~
---- End Original Message ----

I do not think I agree with the premise that your world is supposed to expand as you get older. I think the natural tendency is towards entropy; simpler and simpler states. By default, you will find the things you like and focus in on them. Without thinking about it, you find the most convenient things closest to you, and anything further away is a pain in the neck.

This also plays along with the compression of time. Since you have less and less time in the day as you get older, those longer drives get more and more costly. Relatively speaking, that hour drive that was no problem when you were a teen now sucks up three hours out of your day. Who can afford to give up that sort of time? By the time you get there, it's time to go home.

So, I think the correct assumption is that your world contracts as you get older. When you were young, you sampled everything. Now you're getting older. You know the music you like, you're less interested in finding out if Jungle House is going to be as good as it sounds. You know steak tastes good. Why would you experiment with tofu? And for reasons that are less clear to me, gigantic Oldsmobiles start to look sexier and sexier.

It takes effort to keep your range wide as time passes and your taste solidifies. And the coolest people, in my experience, are those who continue to actively expand their territory as the years roll by. Don't get me wrong. Do what you want. If you are happy staying home and watching your Must See TV five nights a week and going out to a movie on Saturday, I have no desire at all to interfere with your happiness.

But the people I am most delighted to know are the ones doing new things, finding new hobbies, and exploring new ground. Take a trip to Asia. Join a curling league. Build the world's largest Etch-a-Sketch. And then feed that new knowledge back to me so I can vicariously expand my world. Hmmm... they are all selfish motivations in the end, aren't they.

I also have the same frustrating problem with friends that J~ mentions. Two of my favorite people in the whole world, J~ and B~, live out of state. These are dudes I would hang out with daily if I could. But Oregon and California are just too far away. I can't keep up with their lives and text messages back and forth don't keep you bonded.

That's totally tragic, but I don't think it has to do with the rest of this aging and constriction of territory issue. Proximity is always key to keeping friendships vital. How many friends did you keep when you left high school? A few? How about college? Another few? And do you have anyone from grade school? Heck, B~ had to marry her to keep in touch with someone he knew in grade school. It's the only way. You need them in your territory to keep up a running history of someone's life.

I think the best solution is to buy a condo complex next to a mall and invite all your friends to buy units. Your whole community would be in walking distance. Nice. I'll start taking applications to live in Scottopia in June. Watch this space for details.